hello

My grand dad just died. i'm not sad, not crying. My mom cried about coming back early for our selfish reason, not being there for my dad who lost his dad, not being there for grand ma who fell sick today and did not go to the hospital and for god ma whose's about to fall sick. My sis went back to her crying frenzy. She cried an awful lot. i guess they're still awake at the moment. My bro was like me not looking sad and not crying.

My grand ma's birthday is just next week. I wonder how it is gonna be like next year.

I left for Thailand last thurdays and came back on wednesday. My grand dad is in intensive care due to total liver damage. He had blood change for the past few days since he changed from government hospital to private. When i met him on thursday he was awake he could wave his hand and nod his head when we spoke to him. The doctor gave him a week of blood exchange. It was a week that would determine if his liver could regenerate itself or... In the week, his kidney failed and his lungs needed the respirator. His heart beat was irregular, it could go up to 140 and down to around 96.

Melanie Jane asked me if i would go with her to city harvest. I think i still like her. But i think if that's the reason for me attending the service it would be wrong. I'm not the kind of v. v. religious person whose always in touch with God. I go to church on sundays but in the week i hardly pray. I'm always asking if God is really there. I wonder if this whole religion thing is just human creation because they want someone to turn to when they are in a fix, to comfort themselves mentally when things are bad.

Take death for an example. Maybe you have someone that died. You have no idea what will happen to him when he goes. So as to not kill your mental structure you tell yourself that there is this place called heaven where the someone that died would go to and that the place would be filled with all the good things and there would be nothing bad.

When i was with my mom, sis and bro just now giving the moment to our grand dad i started thinking about what happens. What if they just go and thats all. There's no place else. It's just humans are organisms that have advanced to the stage where they can think, and they start to invent some place else that they would go to next and be all merry. We're all living things, bacteria and other small organisms are, would they go to heaven when they are gone, killed and destroyed? Maybe that doesn't make sense. But i dun understand my religion. I know i am suppose to believe even though i dun understand.

I wanna understand these things, otherwise i'll just keep questioning.

Today is melanie (different one) birthday and i'm v. sure she doesn't care about what age she is. She's 16(still v. young) today. She wants to celebrate with a special someone but the someone hasn't appeared. So she's celebrating with her rents. I got her a present. Bridget Jones' Diary. She's waiting for that special someone. She's not looking. Cause if she was she would date guys. Anyway i think if she's just gonna wait she'll be like Bridget Jones. HAHA kidding.

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On my flight to Thailand.

The air stewardess was serving the lunch chicken w. noodles or fish w. rice. I took chicken w. noodles, it's thai-airways so its always better to take chicken cause if fish isn't fresh, it would stink. I was jus tucking into my food when the plane started to jerk a little, the pilot reported that we're having air turbulence and asked us to stay calm.

The chicken w. noodle sucked big time. The noodles tasted like a lot of rubber bands, not surprisingly the chicken was alright but they provided just a few pieces of chicken. The salad had a disgusting flavour and had this large white piece of meat and pale old cabbage. The desert was this pink coloured jelly, which is not soft at all. I said to mom,"If this plane is going down, i'll hate to think this is the last meal i'll be having. There's the polar curry puff we bought at the airport right?" You probably wouldn't find it funny now, but under the circumstances on the plane its was.

I got some stuff for my pals, got myself 2 l.s. shirt and a sleek black jacket there. It looks like i am going to be spending christmas in thailand or something.

update:
I just posted it and saw the title and remembered about today. I went to parkway with my mom, sis and bro. My mom went to do her hair while she gave us money to shop for christmas present. All this was before we got the news that our grand dad had passed on. i went for my cousin's concert in tjc in the evening. my cousin had a shine on her face. It was reflecting light. There was afew cute ones playing on stage. And i saw Gladys. Can't believe it. She's one hot girl. She's smart also. She got into vj. She asked me to go to her school's concert. I was about to agree when she told me she was with the band on stage. Damm if she wasn't.

I'm going to rocking x'mas tml. And most probably i'll see joys and her pals there. Actually i wished she and i could be frens. I hate to have someone hating me. I was wrong about her. I should have never asked her. I hardly even knew her then. And i missed the chance to be with someone who i knew better.